My brain is full; I need to write. I’ve needed to for a few days now, but I’m not sure where to start. So, what comes next is a raw conglomeration of cranial mess…
- Dr. H told us this week that Jeremy was not a match for Mitch. Which, actually, is OK. Mitch hated to ask his brother to endure several bouts with needles and, after talking with Dr. H, we learned that finding an unrelated match is not as hard as I was worried it would be. She let us know that, typically, within an hour of submitting an order to the National Bone Marrow Registry, they have a list of matches/possible donors. Score! Weight lifted. (*This is not the case with everyone. We were told that if you have no weird genotype and are Caucasian, it’s relatively easy to be matched. Otherwise, not so much.)
- I’m trying to keep the confidence I felt after talking to Dr. H this week. Though I know that it doesn’t matter whether I’m confident of not, it sure helps. After not getting results from the biopsy on Friday, we deflated a bit. The last few days have been long. M has had a low-grade fever off and on and it makes him nervous. His blood counts are coming back more slowly, which we are told is normal after having so much chemo, but it makes it hard for him. He’s tired – tired of being in bed, tired of not sleeping, tired of dealing with those things that just come with being in a bed for too long. I guess in the back of my head, I think I need to stay positive in order to show that I have faith that this is going to work…even though I know results don’t actually depend on my mood.
*Side note: I’m typing this as M converses with Mark, our nurse today. He can talk movies/music/nerdom with M forever. It’s a good distraction; I’m thankful for him. He was our nurse when we were able to go home after our 40-day stint. Maybe this is a good sign. 🙂
- I’m attempting to be thankful in other areas too. The string of devotions I’ve been reading in the morning discuss being thankful in all circumstances. I am looking for things to be thankful for (Mark, for example…and see below.) However, it was not easy on Friday to be thankful for no report, to know that we now had to wait three extra days in suspense. I didn’t want to take that devo to heart that morning because I was afraid it would mean that I would need to give thanks, even for bad news. I don’t want bad news. For the record, I sneaked a peak at Monday’s devotion…it’s not as scary. 🙂
- We’ve tried to come to terms with our hospital living situation, to concern ourselves with people and things other than ourselves. After several conversations, we’ve decided to live life more intentionally, with less worry. Becoming familiar with the Stupid Cancer Foundation has also encouraged this “Get busy living” theme. Basically, this:
- Money doesn’t matter. It is a gift meant to be used and shared, a resource. When you hoard it or think of it as “mine,” it only creates stress and stinginess. No more worrying about bills! Budget, yes, but live fully! (We won’t have much left after this anyway…)
- Do what excites you, now. We have a list of “some days” that we want to do. Why does it have to be “some day?” Starting now, we are vowing to be more proactive in doing the things that matter to us, the things that God wired us to do, the things that make life full. For instance, I have always wanted to learn Italian. After talking with the hubs, I’m doing just that! I took the plunge and ordered Rosetta Stone. It came in the mail the next day. Now, long hospital days will be productive – fulfilling a goal. Maybe, this will lead to fulfilling another dream – actually visiting Italy. 🙂
- The Color Run is another example. It is a goal I have to be a part of a 5k. Now, since creating the “joie de vivre” group, I’ve wondered if I was jumping the gun. Maybe I’m rushing a bit? But I remind myself that I felt compelled to do this, I’m doing it for Mitch, I’m doing it to celebrate the life that we’ve been given. So, I kick that voice in the teeth when it creeps in and tells me “You can’t do it,” “We won’t be well,” “No one wants to do that with you.” We will do it. We may not train a single day. We may walk the whole thing. But we will do it and it will be glorious. So, suck it, Satan.
- Of course, I have to mention writing. Writing is something I love but never “found the time” to do. Oddly enough, I’ve now been blessed with abundant time and I still struggle with when/what to write. But when I get down to it, I’m flattered and surprised that I have people who actually care enough to read it. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me in one of my passions.
OK – Now that I’ve cleared my mind, I think I am ready for tomorrow. We will have results from the biopsy. Hopefully, then, we will also move forward with plans for the transplant.
Pray hard tonight, friends. Tomorrow is big.