“If a random sampling of one thousand American Christians were taken today, the majority would define faith as a belief in the existence of God. In earlier times it did not take faith to believe that God existed – almost everybody took that for granted. Rather, faith had to do with one’s relationship to God – whether one trusted in God. The difference between faith as “belief in something that may or may not exist” and faith as “trusting in God” is enormous. The first is a matter of the head, the second a matter of the heart. The first can leave us unchanged; the second intrinsically brings change.” quoted from Brennan Manning’s The Ragamuffin Gospel
This hospital stay is very different from the first. Granted, I’m feeling better due to my Catalyst (in addition to OmegaPlex and ImmunoGuard), but more importantly, my outlook is completely different. Last time, we were in shock, overwhelmed, exhausted, and saw no end to our circumstances. Now, our minds have fully come to grip with the situation. We’ve had time to slow down and listen. God has spoken. We don’t have to worry.
What I have struggled with, is allowing God to do his thing. I’m a bit of a control freak and I like to know what’s going to happen before it actually does. Now, I’ve been given chance after chance to show a little faith; not the “head faith” mentioned above, but the “heart faith;” the faith that produces action, change. Faith that actually lets go and allows God work…this took quite a bit of coaxing.
Actually, I think it had gotten to the point where I was that whiny kid that continues to nag her Parent…He would just calmly and continuously respond: “I know your heart. Just chill. I can fix it. I will fix it. Just sit back and trust me.”
It’s taken this long for me to completely be OK with letting Him handle things. He’s had to speak to me and through/to Mitchell for the words to maneuver their way through my cranial bones and into my heart. But He did.
In my worry, I had been praying repeatedly – over and over and over and over – for M to be healed, for this to be over, for God to do work, to show his miracle. Instead of an immediate, miraculous healing, he’s working through the doctors and giving me affirmation.
“I know your heart; I know what you need…even better than you do.”
“You’ve asked, now CHILL – I’ve got this.”
The cool thing is, while He’s been talking to me, he’s also been talking to Mitchell. But, in the same way He was convincing me to loosen up, he was comforting Mitchell . We were getting different words, but the same message. When Mitch shares with me what he’s being told, it only reaffirms what I’ve heard.
So, here we are. I’m having faith. He brought us good news after Round Two, and He will bring good news after Round Three. Because I am trusting, I know we will be better, I’ve started a group to run in a 5k. Mitch has always been the better runner between us. (I could never keep up with him, but I was getting there.) I had discussed running a 5k with him before the diagnosis. Since being in the hospital, I’ve told him that I still want to sign up for a race…and when we start training, he and I will be at a more even starting point. 🙂
The Color Run in Memphis on October 13th fell into my lap. It’s perfect. With its splash of colored “elf dust” at every kilometer, it’s more of a celebration than a hard-core race, which is exactly what we want. (Anyone can be involved; everyone can be involved.) We want to celebrate our life and love together (and our two-year anniversary is October 23rd). Finishing this race is going to be the symbolic finish of all this leukemia mess. It’s the beginning of being healthy again, of a rejuvenated life together. What better a way to celebrate new life than in showers of living color?
The coolest part about this is that it is a way to celebrate with lots of friends. If you would like to join us (and please do!) you can sign up here.
- Check that you want to join a team; our group name is “joie de vivre,” which is French for “joy of living.” It’s a phrase M and I discovered while reading The Ragamuffin Gospel.
- Once you’ve found our group, the password to join is “Mitch.”
- The registration fee is $35 if you sign up before June 15th, after that it goes up to $40 until July 1 when it goes up again.
- I am thinking about/planning shirts for us to wear, if you want one. They will be simple, as the race requires us to wear white shirts, but I would love to let the world know what we’re celebrating. 🙂
Join in this celebration of life and faith with us and, come October, it will be all the sweeter.